My parents have been away for a few weeks on vacation and today they came back. We really don't bring out the best in each other... My mother and I are close, but I feel a lot of guilt coming that way. Maybe it isn't, maybe it's just me... love her, but I often feel she's out to get me. She would be very hurt by these words, and would not agree. My father is just another situation, we are distant, always has been and we really make the each other really, really mad. He really pisses me off, a lots of the times. I would never socialize with him, if he wasn't my blood.
When they came back today, I realized how nice I have been feeling when they haven't been here for a while. Me and my father got into an argument almost at first sight. About my freaking window renovations of course, we so alike, both knowing what is true and right, what oil to use and what kind of paint. Never backing down. Anyway, when I realized that I been a nicer, calmer person when I am distant from them there was no sorrow. But now, when I write you all this I feel a bit sad, I feel loss. I wish it could have been different, I feel bound when in their company, stuck in mud, unable to evolve.
They would never accept me with a turban for instance and when I think of that I feel despair. When I read Harminder Kaur's post on being and becoming a princess, I feel no comfort, I feel despair, absolute and like a knife in my chest. What is the point of it all? I will never be that princess of Guru Ji, I never was and who were I trying to kid with my spiritual name and me read in mantras, doing yoga and meditation and taking hukams... I so love it all but I am just a big fraud... You don't know all of me... Neither does my parents, work colleagues, political colleagues, friends, relatives. The only one how knows all of me is my husband. Thank God, I have I am true to one other person, but I wish I could be true all way through. This a big sorrow.
The point of this post is that I like all of my different parts, except the one I play when I am with my parents. I think time to break bonds, I think it is time to be change.
Well this have not been as uplifting as I usually try to be but chardi kala, it will be better,
Peace and bliss, as always to you