Saturday, August 21, 2010

No sorrow, but still...

My parents have been away for a few weeks on vacation and today they came back. We really don't bring out the best in each other... My mother and I are close, but I feel a lot of guilt coming that way. Maybe it isn't, maybe it's just me... love her, but I often feel she's out to get me. She would be very hurt by these words, and would not agree. My father is just another situation, we are distant, always has been and we really make the each other really, really mad. He really pisses me off, a lots of the times. I would never socialize with him, if he wasn't my blood.

When they came back today, I realized how nice I have been feeling when they haven't been here for a while. Me and my father got into an argument almost at first sight. About my freaking window renovations of course, we so alike, both knowing what is true and right, what oil to use and what kind of paint. Never backing down. Anyway, when I realized that I been a nicer, calmer person when I am distant from them there was no sorrow. But now, when I write you all this I feel a bit sad, I feel loss. I wish it could have been different, I feel bound when in their company, stuck in mud, unable to evolve.

They would never accept me with a turban for instance and when I think of that I feel despair. When I read Harminder Kaur's post on being and becoming a princess, I feel no comfort, I feel despair, absolute and like a knife in my chest. What is the point of it all? I will never be that princess of Guru Ji, I never was and who were I trying to kid with my spiritual name and me read in mantras, doing yoga and meditation and taking hukams... I so love it all but I am just a big fraud... You don't know all of me... Neither does my parents, work colleagues, political colleagues, friends, relatives. The only one how knows all of me is my husband. Thank God, I have I am true to one other person, but I wish I could be true all way through. This a big sorrow.

The point of this post is that I like all of my different parts, except the one I play when I am with my parents. I think time to break bonds, I think it is time to be change.

Well this have not been as uplifting as I usually try to be but chardi kala, it will be better,

Peace and bliss, as always to you


  1. My dear friend, thank you for posting this sincere thought. I so feel fpr you and I send you my love and encouragement.

    It's the back and forth of tranformation, the who do I think I am/but I want this so much-kind of ping pong that spirals us upwards. You are a Princess of God. We all are whether we acknowledge it or not, and you have chosen to see. It doesn't matter that you have faults and shadow and darkness, we all do. Forgive yourself for it and you can see the gifts in those shadows. You can't forgive your parents if you can't forgive yourself.
    I thought my parents would freak out about the turban but I think that they have accepted me as an adult and it was ME projecting my own fear onto them. Maybe your situation in similar?
    99% of what irritates us about others is about US. And 99% about what people find upsetting about us is about THEM. We mirror ourselves in others.
    You are a part of the Divine. No matter what you do, no matter what. It's the basic condition for you to exist at all. So take time to meditate on forgiving yourself.
    Here's a link that might be helpful:'oponopono_cleaning_meditation.htm
    I do rounds of "I'm sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you" and I say this mantra to myself, for myself and about myself.

    Love, light and healing to you.

  2. Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru JI kI Fateh!

    First of all I would like to say Waheguru Ji is very mysterious because I was honestly just thinking about writing about my experience with my parents and I somehow ended up on your page. Now I know for sure I have to write about it because it was meant to be. I guess its time to write about how my father went from someone like your father to a nice amritdhari dad. :)

    -Harminder Kaur

  3. Harminder, that will be interesting to read about. I'll keep a look out for that post on your blog, may be you have already written it by now?! :-)

  4. Give me a couple more hours, Bhena Ji. I might have it up tonight or at the latest tomorrow morning. I will leave you a note on your blog, once its done.

  5. I just finished it right now, I don't know if it turned out nice or not but either way its complete.