Keeping up under pressure...

This week has been challenging. I work with management support and this week I have been under immense pressure to preform outside of my duties from one of the managers, mostly due to the managers own insecurity. The issue for me has been that I have felt so used and useless, nothing I have done have have been good enough for the manager. My professional advice has been asked for and I have given it but then the manager did not want it. The manager wanted my advice to be something else, the thing that already was decided. And there were so much more, little comments about my appearance and comments about my department and the support we offer that the manager don't think is enough. Somehow I had to answer for everything.

I am lucky enough to have colleagues that see me and that my advice was good and based on knowledge in all this. The managers actions made me feel trapped, small and worth nothing. This episode went on for three days. On both the first and the second day the manager got so under my skin that I cried, and that made me decide to try to make use of my knowledge of kundalini yoga. I include a posture for the aura as my warm up for the morning kriya I'm doing. This worked, and I am so grateful. I felt my aura getting stronger and working to protect me. I managed to handle the manager without letting all the negativity sent out get to me. Kundalini yoga is a savior, and I am so grateful to be on this path!

Today I noticed that Spirit Voyage is doing Japji as the next 40 day sadhana. Again, I am so grateful. I do receive what I need.

Those upon whom the Lord showers His Mercy, fall at the Feet of the True Guru.

Be in love and bliss,

Not inspired...

... but I am gonna do my meditations anyway. But this a really blae, blae, blae evening. My husband is on night shift, I had a political meeting dragging on for ever this evening and now I have just been surfing things I already have read. Bored and actually pissed off.

Sopurkh Singh is encouraging us to do the meditation in the morning, but I sticking to my nightly routine. Probably totally wrong, and that too makes me pissed off.

Well, now I'll go and burn off some inner anger. Fittingly enough.

A really ugly day

This has been a so hard day, and I have judged myself so hard. And my ego has been all over the place, while my heart has been open for injury. My body is sick, my mind is weary. And I long for being destiny, my name, Har Anand. Bliss through God's creative power. It feels so far away.

Guru Granth Sahib Ji always has support to offer:

At the very last moment, Ajaamal became aware of the Lord;
that state which even the supreme Yogis desire - he attained that state in an instant.

This weekend is the first of many weekends of my teacher's training in kundalini yoga. :-)

Working on change

Continuation on yesterdays post...

Ok, so now I will back down. Take the advice as it is, use it or not but don't argue. This is a challenge.

And I feel good things coming my way, but that is just my mindset every day so nothing new there.

Love to you darling readers,

Oh, and my 40 days are running along nicely, well not really true, it's hard as **** but I am doing them one after an other. I think today is day 14...

No sorrow, but still...

My parents have been away for a few weeks on vacation and today they came back. We really don't bring out the best in each other... My mother and I are close, but I feel a lot of guilt coming that way. Maybe it isn't, maybe it's just me... love her, but I often feel she's out to get me. She would be very hurt by these words, and would not agree. My father is just another situation, we are distant, always has been and we really make the each other really, really mad. He really pisses me off, a lots of the times. I would never socialize with him, if he wasn't my blood.

When they came back today, I realized how nice I have been feeling when they haven't been here for a while. Me and my father got into an argument almost at first sight. About my freaking window renovations of course, we so alike, both knowing what is true and right, what oil to use and what kind of paint. Never backing down. Anyway, when I realized that I been a nicer, calmer person when I am distant from them there was no sorrow. But now, when I write you all this I feel a bit sad, I feel loss. I wish it could have been different, I feel bound when in their company, stuck in mud, unable to evolve.

They would never accept me with a turban for instance and when I think of that I feel despair. When I read Harminder Kaur's post on being and becoming a princess, I feel no comfort, I feel despair, absolute and like a knife in my chest. What is the point of it all? I will never be that princess of Guru Ji, I never was and who were I trying to kid with my spiritual name and me read in mantras, doing yoga and meditation and taking hukams... I so love it all but I am just a big fraud... You don't know all of me... Neither does my parents, work colleagues, political colleagues, friends, relatives. The only one how knows all of me is my husband. Thank God, I have I am true to one other person, but I wish I could be true all way through. This a big sorrow.

The point of this post is that I like all of my different parts, except the one I play when I am with my parents. I think time to break bonds, I think it is time to be change.

Well this have not been as uplifting as I usually try to be but chardi kala, it will be better,

Peace and bliss, as always to you

Pain

Arguements, they fill my chest with physical pain. Once again I was involved in a family argument about political views, on human rights. I am just sad for all of it, even though I couldn't let the racist comments and prejudice slip by, not in my own house. In this house that is not allowed, it can never be. I am so sad and my chest is filled with pain, just the same place where I sometimes can feel my soul vibrate during meditation. How can a person be like that, a racist and how can I come from that? And how can you love someone like that? I don't, I should but I don't and it is shameful.

I usually can feel the universal love, see good in all, forgive, be the greater person but now? At least I manage to expel the family member from my house with less heated feelings from my part then usual. My voice relatively cool, no tears and even a smile. "Not in my house, it is time for you to go now." Fortunately, or unfortunately, an other relative called us all back and told us that we have to be able to disagree. Under a tense atmosphere we talked about travels memories, but I believe this tension between and the family member is going to be, well not good perhaps never good again ever.

And now when I have written this the pain isn't that hard to bare. We can not change anyone else, just ourselves and I really do not want any racist talk in my house and that is that. I'm sorry if this sounds hard, but I am almost 30 years old and I have to be my own person now.

My cyber hukam

Abandoning the world of beauty, and beautiful clothes, one must depart.
He obtains the rewards of his good and bad deeds.
He may issue whatever commands he wishes, but he shall have to take to the narrow path hereafter.
He goes to hell naked, and he looks hideous then.
He regrets the sins he committed.

tells me that we all can only take responsibility for our own lives. I don't really understand these lines but I will regret my sins and be rewarded for my good deeds, you for yours and my relatives for theirs.

Your insight and comments on this post are very welcome,