I could brag about all that I have done and accomplished since last time I posted and during this spring in general. When I think of it though, I really feel I was protected, embraced and helped during this spring. But every month that passed also took me further away. But it doesn't matter how many mantras I have recited or how much I have learned, I still feel further from the guru then I was. It is like I got to taste something that I newer knew existed and now it is gone, or at least far away, beyond my reach. And it makes me want to cry when I think of it.
I recited Japji for a little more then 40 days and stopped about a week ago. It hits me now, perhaps it's the lack of Japji that makes me feel like this? Or maybe it's the lack of the support of a sangat that makes me feel lonely and sad? I like to think of myself as self-sufficient but maybe I just need some encouragement from outside to keep up. Right now I am not keeping up anything, or maybe I am just too hard on myself.
I have been on one regular teacher's training since my last post, it was interesting but I slept thought lots of it. It maybe sounds crazy to sleep in class but yogis are so very forgiving and I needed to sleep. Work has been out of this world with stress and emotional turmoil. The weekend was about the effect of yoga on the inner organs, I not happy I missed so much of it but I really don't care so much as I should.
I have also been on a yoga retreat for three days with my class, that was really nice. I got to talk with our head teacher about sikhism and that was one of the high points, but it also made me feel... well, not good enough.
I think I'll take Mata Mandir's advice and start connecting again through singing and playing mantras. I hope you all are feeling a little bit more at ease than me, but my cyber-hukam for the day gives me support:
sathigur sabadhee paadhhar jaan
gur kai thakeeai saachai thaan
naam samhaalas roorrhee baan
thhai(n) bhaavai dhar lehas piraan
Through the Shabad, the Word of the True Guru, the Path is known.
With the Guru's Support, one is blessed with the strength of the True Lord.
Dwell on the Naam, and realize the Beauteous Word of His Bani.
If it is Your Will, Lord, You lead me to find Your Door.