Choices choices...

So now we here again... Still don't know what do with my life... Choices to be made and path to walk and not to.

Elections went fairly well for my party but a very, very right wing party made a huge leap into the Swedish parliament. Some say the are racist, some say they are not. I know what I think and I believe you can guess where I stand...

The choices I have to make is if I want to stay in politics or leave it, for some time I have believed that I didn't have to choose but now I feel I must. I feel incomplete in every aspects of life and as a human when I never at my best; not at the job, not at the politic meetings and not at home. Some might say I am successful and impressive, but I feel small and never enough.

I feel like better person when I read hukams, I haven't been doing that a lot lately. Better shape up. And keep up.

Now I must yoga, I'll write more when I have a minute over. Ok, that'll never happen so I'll write later, when I decide to.

Love to all,

No sorrow, but still...

My parents have been away for a few weeks on vacation and today they came back. We really don't bring out the best in each other... My mother and I are close, but I feel a lot of guilt coming that way. Maybe it isn't, maybe it's just me... love her, but I often feel she's out to get me. She would be very hurt by these words, and would not agree. My father is just another situation, we are distant, always has been and we really make the each other really, really mad. He really pisses me off, a lots of the times. I would never socialize with him, if he wasn't my blood.

When they came back today, I realized how nice I have been feeling when they haven't been here for a while. Me and my father got into an argument almost at first sight. About my freaking window renovations of course, we so alike, both knowing what is true and right, what oil to use and what kind of paint. Never backing down. Anyway, when I realized that I been a nicer, calmer person when I am distant from them there was no sorrow. But now, when I write you all this I feel a bit sad, I feel loss. I wish it could have been different, I feel bound when in their company, stuck in mud, unable to evolve.

They would never accept me with a turban for instance and when I think of that I feel despair. When I read Harminder Kaur's post on being and becoming a princess, I feel no comfort, I feel despair, absolute and like a knife in my chest. What is the point of it all? I will never be that princess of Guru Ji, I never was and who were I trying to kid with my spiritual name and me read in mantras, doing yoga and meditation and taking hukams... I so love it all but I am just a big fraud... You don't know all of me... Neither does my parents, work colleagues, political colleagues, friends, relatives. The only one how knows all of me is my husband. Thank God, I have I am true to one other person, but I wish I could be true all way through. This a big sorrow.

The point of this post is that I like all of my different parts, except the one I play when I am with my parents. I think time to break bonds, I think it is time to be change.

Well this have not been as uplifting as I usually try to be but chardi kala, it will be better,

Peace and bliss, as always to you

Smiling and keeping up

Reminded myself of my spritiual name, Har Anand Kaur which means

the Princess/Lioness of kindness, creativity and prosperity and who dwells in spiritual bliss.

Yesterdays hair turmoil was good for me. I gained insightt hat I wouldn't want to be without and today I feel, yes actually, bliss. I subscribe to The Positivity Blog's newsletter and read an newsletter from the middle of july today. It had just been sitting unread in my mailbox for a while. It was a version of this post from The Positivity Blog.

I will grow from every experience.
I will not give into fear any more, I will live.
I will face reality.
I will treat myself with love.
I will create my life, perfectly and just as is should be.
I will see the possibilities.

I am keeping up meditation and I am being kept up!

Bliss & peace to you all!

Making choices

I feel negative, but I am not my feelings. I can change what I feel whenever I want, I choose to feel love.

I am, I am.
I am what I am.
I am who I am.
If that's not enough...
there is nothing I can do.
I am who I am.
I am what I am.
I am, I am.

I am peace, creativity, love. I am light. And so are you!

The answer

Siri Guru Granth Sahib answers when called upon... My question was "What is my next step?"

Raag Saarang, Chau-Paday, First Mehla, First House:
One Universal Creator God. Truth Is The Name. Creative Being Personified. No Fear. No Hatred. Image Of The Undying. Beyond Birth. Self-Existent. By Guru's Grace:
I am the hand-maiden of my Lord and Master.
I have grasped the Feet of God, the Life of the world. He has killed and eradicated my egotism. ||1||Pause||
He is the Perfect, Supreme Light, the Supreme Lord God, my Beloved, my Breath of Life.
The Fascinating Lord has fascinated my mind; contemplating the Word of the Shabad, I have come to understand. ||1||
The worthless self-willed manmukh, with false and shallow understanding - his mind and body are held in pain's grip.
Since I came to be imbued with the Love of my Beautiful Lord, I meditate on the Lord, and my mind is encouraged. ||2||
Abandoning egotism, I have become detached. And now, I absorb true intuitive understanding.
The mind is pleased and appeased by the Pure, Immaculate Lord; the opinions of other people are irrelevant. ||3||
There is no other like You, in the past or in the future, O my Beloved, my Breath of Life, my Support.
The soul-bride is imbued with the Name of the Lord; O Nanak, the Lord is her Husband. ||4||1||

I will meditate with a smile on my face, I can feel universal love flowing.

Amrit vela meditation

I'm grateful to the world, I got up and did my meditation in the ambrosial hours.

Sat nam!

Kundalini yoga teacher training - here I come

Happy, happy, blissful, grateful, filled with love, smiling.

Thank you, divine omnipresent for this. For my supporting husband(my love!), for my fellow bloggers encouragement, for this possibility.

Today I got accepted to teacher training in Kundalini yoga. This is my dream, I never thought it would be... not for real. I'm going to a Kundalini yoga teacher!

My hukam for the day, I hardly can believe much I feel this applies...

By practicing control over the nine gates, one attains perfect control over the Tenth Gate. There, the unstruck sound current of the absolute Lord vibrates and resounds. Behold the True Lord ever-present, and merge with Him. The True Lord is pervading and permeating each and every heart. The hidden Bani of the Word is revealed. O Nanak, the True Lord is revealed and known. Meeting with the Lord through intuition and love, peace is found. The Gurmukh remains awake and aware; he does not fall sleep. He enshrines the unlimited, absolute Shabad deep within. Chanting the Shabad, he is liberated, and saves others as well. Those who practice the Guru's Teachings are attuned to the Truth. O Nanak, those who eradicate their self-conceit meet with the Lord; they do not remain separated by doubt.

So much love, I'm sending it on to you, who reads this!

European Yoga Festival - maybe

I'm in the land of undecided. I see a possibility to go to the European Yoga Festival, already this year. There is a, rather expensive, solution to get there and if I manage to get a work exhange place on the festival I will have the money to go, I think. But I will not know anyone and it's the same week as me and my husband 1 year anniversary. He says his OK with me going, but I will miss him a lot. But on the other hand I can't force him to go on something he doesn't want to, that would just be wrong for both of us. Should I try to make this happen? I long for it so much I ache, maybe it will not be as I think?

I long for sadhana with other people and I long for mantra singing and chanting. I'm affraid that people will be hippie-type strange and that I will feel out of place. That would be the worst, as it is now I can dream that I belong somewhere, somewhere I can feel unity.

Change

After my 40 days, I've been feeling a bit low. At first I couldn't really say what went wrong. I have got a new kundalini yoga and meditation set for my sadhana, but I haven't started yet. I been doing my old set, I've been keeping up, but blaming lack of time for my laziness not to start with the new set.

I feel disappointed in myself for not taking the time to start the new set and that is probably why I'm feeling low. I also think it's really ungrateful of me to ask my teacher for a new set and then not do it. He has put time and effort on this, and I will not?

All change is hard, and I'm afraid that, well this is really stupid, I will not like the new sadhana because it will be hard since it's new and then I'll have trouble keeping up. But life isn't easy and I like the way sadhana makes me feel.

I'm making my self a promise: The next set I do will be the new one.

Did it!

I kept up! 40 days straight, doing sadhana! Even today and yesterday when I have been away from home on an all weekend course. These 40 days has been both hard, fantastic, beautiful, filled with love, inspiration and pep talk's from near and far. I want to thank all of you that has give me the strenght to keep up. Are you wonder if you did anything? If you read this, you did. Just the fact that you given me and my sadhana one thought during these 40 days have helpt me on some level, I'm sure of it.

Are you thinking about doing a sadhana for 40 days? Just do it! I found insight, love, peolpe who inspire me and I feel closer to those I love. I can't garantee that this is wat you will get, but I'm sure you will get something out of it.

I will share a secret with you now; I have begun walking a path that I never thought I would walk. I sense something more, even though I have never been religious. That is big, for me. I have not found home yet but I walking. Babysteps, but still.

Here is something I learned:

It takes 40 days to change a habit.
It takes 90 days to confirm the habit.
The new habit is who you are in 120 days.
You have mastered the new habit in 1000 days.

So as you can see; the only way for me is to keep keeping up! I'm going to continue doing sadhana.

Hope you are feeling how this day is a beautiful day!