In need of support...

Soohee, Fifth Mehla, Gunvantee ~ The Worthy And Virtuous Bride:
When I see a Sikh of the Guru, I humbly bow and fall at his feet.
I tell to him the pain of my soul, and beg him to unite me with the Guru, my Best Friend.
I ask that he impart to me such an understanding, that my mind will not go out wandering anywhere else.
I dedicate this mind to you. Please, show me the Path to God.
I have come so far, seeking the Protection of Your Sanctuary.
Within my mind, I place my hopes in You; please, take my pain and suffering away!
So walk on this Path, O sister soul-brides; do that work which the Guru tells you to do.
Abandon the intellectual pursuits of the mind, and forget the love of duality.
In this way, you shall obtain the Blessed Vision of the Lord's Darshan; the hot winds shall not even touch you.
By myself, I do not even know how to speak; I speak all that the Lord commands.
I am blessed with the treasure of the Lord's devotional worship; Guru Nanak has been kind and compassionate to me.
I shall never again feel hunger or thirst; I am satisfied, satiated and fulfilled.
When I see a Sikh of the Guru, I humbly bow and fall at his feet. ||3||

The cyber hukams I recieve are always what I need. I prayed for support and strenght to follow through on things needing to be done even though I felt totally unworthy of that kind of support...

Blessed be, I humbly bow and fall at your feet.

Going back

The last months has left me a bit lost but today, for the first time in a long time I feel home again. So what do I do or what did happen? Easy, I read Japji again. I haven't read Japji in the morning (or at all) for more than a month. But I think I needed to feel lost so I could find my way back. And all along I knew that I needed Japji, it was the missing part.

I have also been taking a look at Snatam's new cd called Ras, the last track Mere Ram speaks directly to the light in my heart. I feel surrounded, safe, filled with love and in the company of the holy just by hearing a short piece of that tune. Read Ramdesh Kaur's review of Ras on Spirit Voyage blog.

Love & Light,

Time flies...

It's been some time, about a month since my last post. And just as I have been further from the blog I have also strayed from the divine. So now I sit here and watch broadcastings from Summer Solstice (with real bad sound, since they're have problems with the broadcasting) and I cry.

I could brag about all that I have done and accomplished since last time I posted and during this spring in general. When I think of it though, I really feel I was protected, embraced and helped during this spring. But every month that passed also took me further away. But it doesn't matter how many mantras I have recited or how much I have learned, I still feel further from the guru then I was. It is like I got to taste something that I newer knew existed and now it is gone, or at least far away, beyond my reach. And it makes me want to cry when I think of it.

I recited Japji for a little more then 40 days and stopped about a week ago. It hits me now, perhaps it's the lack of Japji that makes me feel like this? Or maybe it's the lack of the support of a sangat that makes me feel lonely and sad? I like to think of myself as self-sufficient but maybe I just need some encouragement from outside to keep up. Right now I am not keeping up anything, or maybe I am just too hard on myself.

I have been on one regular teacher's training since my last post, it was interesting but I slept thought lots of it. It maybe sounds crazy to sleep in class but yogis are so very forgiving and I needed to sleep. Work has been out of this world with stress and emotional turmoil. The weekend was about the effect of yoga on the inner organs, I not happy I missed so much of it but I really don't care so much as I should.

I have also been on a yoga retreat for three days with my class, that was really nice. I got to talk with our head teacher about sikhism and that was one of the high points, but it also made me feel... well, not good enough.

I think I'll take Mata Mandir's advice and start connecting again through singing and playing mantras. I hope you all are feeling a little bit more at ease than me, but my cyber-hukam for the day gives me support:

sathigur sabadhee paadhhar jaan
gur kai thakeeai saachai thaan
naam samhaalas roorrhee baan
thhai(n) bhaavai dhar lehas piraan

Through the Shabad, the Word of the True Guru, the Path is known.
With the Guru's Support, one is blessed with the strength of the True Lord.
Dwell on the Naam, and realize the Beauteous Word of His Bani.
If it is Your Will, Lord, You lead me to find Your Door.

Blessings,

Japji, my love

Japji, my love! How it has supported my decisions this week. Hard times, tough calls. I am in the grace of the guru.

Recited Japji

I recited Japji this morning.Hard to pronounce the transliteration but otherwise a peaceful moment.

Hope you are having a great morning!

Live with love,

Longing like crazy

Longing for spiritual inspiration, like crazy but still I am filled with hope. I know I will receive, the true Guru will send me a message and I will be filled with joy. But for now, I am pining and yearning...

You might think I am righteous, good and going straight on the path to becoming a sikh. But will share with you; I fight the five thieves every day and give in to them every day. Kam, krodh, lobh, moh and ahankar. I wanted to tell which one who is the biggest thief right now in my life but no one is bigger then the other. They are a gang of bandits always after me, and every day they get me.

kam (Lust)
krodh (Rage or uncontrolled anger)
lobh (Greed)
moh (Attachment or emotional attachment)
ahankar (ego)

But the bandits leader must be ahankar since it is my ego that makes me feel so ashamed that I can't be a better... person.

And still, this love for the guru's shabad. Cyber-hukam now (and you won't believe which hukam I got, but it's true):

Engrossed in unfulfilled sexual desire, unresolved anger and greed, you shall be consigned to reincarnation.

Nonbelievers, I am no longer one of you. But I must say, I am still pining, longing, hoping, yearning for an uplifting message of joy and I still know it we be given to me.

And so comes the next line of the cyber-hukam:

But I have entered the Sanctuary of the Purifier of sinners. O Nanak, I know that I shall be saved.

Love is all,

Keeping up under pressure...

This week has been challenging. I work with management support and this week I have been under immense pressure to preform outside of my duties from one of the managers, mostly due to the managers own insecurity. The issue for me has been that I have felt so used and useless, nothing I have done have have been good enough for the manager. My professional advice has been asked for and I have given it but then the manager did not want it. The manager wanted my advice to be something else, the thing that already was decided. And there were so much more, little comments about my appearance and comments about my department and the support we offer that the manager don't think is enough. Somehow I had to answer for everything.

I am lucky enough to have colleagues that see me and that my advice was good and based on knowledge in all this. The managers actions made me feel trapped, small and worth nothing. This episode went on for three days. On both the first and the second day the manager got so under my skin that I cried, and that made me decide to try to make use of my knowledge of kundalini yoga. I include a posture for the aura as my warm up for the morning kriya I'm doing. This worked, and I am so grateful. I felt my aura getting stronger and working to protect me. I managed to handle the manager without letting all the negativity sent out get to me. Kundalini yoga is a savior, and I am so grateful to be on this path!

Today I noticed that Spirit Voyage is doing Japji as the next 40 day sadhana. Again, I am so grateful. I do receive what I need.

Those upon whom the Lord showers His Mercy, fall at the Feet of the True Guru.

Be in love and bliss,

Mool mantra

First I just want to tell you what happened with me since the last post. My scared, scared ego dissolved two days later and now I am happy for my colleague. At first I thought I should just be supportive as there was nothing I could do to change the reality of the promotion, but it hit me I was happy for my colleague, for real. My ego had dissolved, I was free. That made me even more happy, Wahe guru! He lifted me up...

Gauree Gwaarayree, Fifth Mehla:
Listening to the Lord's sermon, my pollution has been washed away.
I have become totally pure, and I now walk in peace.
By great good fortune, I found the Saadh Sangat, the Company of the Holy;
I have fallen in love with the Supreme Lord God.
Chanting the Name of the Lord, Har, Har, His servant has been carried across.
The Guru has lifted me up and carried me across the ocean of fire.
Singing the Kirtan of His Praises, my mind has become peaceful;
the sins of countless incarnations have been washed away.
I have seen all the treasures within my own mind;
why should I now go out searching for them?
When God Himself becomes merciful,
the work of His servant becomes perfect.
He has cut away my bonds, and made me His slave.
Remember, remember, remember Him in meditation; He is the treasure of excellence.
He alone is in the mind; He alone is everywhere.
The Perfect Lord is totally permeating and pervading everywhere.
The Perfect Guru has dispelled all doubts.
Remembering the Lord in meditation, Nanak has found peace.

Well, as beautiful as that is I really wanted to shared what I took to heart from Mata Mandir Singh's lecture on Mool Mantra from the last time at my kundalini yoga teacher's training.

Ek ong kaar

Ek refers to when all is one, as in the cosmic big bang

ong is the creative sound

kaar refers to all that was created

Sat naam

sat means true

naam means identity

Karta purkh

karta is the one whois the doer

purkh means the being, the materia

Nirbhao

nirbhao means fearless, without ego and without fear

Nirvair

nirvair is to be in the neutral mind, without revenge

Akal

akal refers to being outside of time, without time, timeless

Morath

morath is in the image of

Ajonee

ajonee means beyond birth and refers the part in us that wasn't born, our soul

Seibung

seibung refers to the guru within us all, that we all have the choice to see the truth or not

Guruprasad

guruprasad is the gift given by the guru, the blessing and the grace from the guru

Jap!

jap is the urging to repeat, chant or meditate on this

Aad sach

aad sach is that which was true from the beginning

Jugad sach

jugad sach means true for all time

Hebee sach

hebee sach means that this is true even now

Nanak hosee bee sach

Nanak hosee bee sach means Nanak, this will always be true

So that is what I picked up from Mata Mandir's lecture and for me it gave a whole new insight to the mool mantra which I am so grateful for. I just want to remind you that I can have missed things from all the wonderful things he taught since English is not my first language.

ek ong kaar sat naam karta purkh nirbhao nirvair akal morath ajonee seibung guruprasad jap aad sach jugaad sach hebee sach Nanak hosee bee sach

In my mind I am resting in peace knowing that for me the mool mantra means that there were one creative sound that created all, that is the true identity of all I can see. One creator that created all and when I let my ego go, I let my fear go, becoming fearless and without revenge since all is the creator's plan. There is something beyond time and all that was created was created in the image of that, we have all a piece of the guru within us, our soul. We have all been given a gift from the guru and that gift is the wisdom of this all. This was true in the beginning, true for all time past, true now and this will be true always.

Blessed be, and I would love to have your comments on this!

Mata Mandir Singh and teachers training, seventh weekend

Last weekend was truly amazing. Some things happened that might mean nothing to everyone else but to me, these are things that I will always cherish.

I had been longing for this Mantra themed weekend since my teacher's training started, and I was surely not disappointed. Mata Mandir was brilliant. I would love to get the chance to listen to him teaching again. I recommend you to take the opportunity to listen to him if you have the possibility.

Mata Mandir taught us about the difference of starting a class with Ong namo guru dev namo or Ad gurey nameh. Ong namo guru dev namo is used when you start a regular yoga class, since you want to connect with golden chain of teachers before you. Ad gurey nameh is used when you start a lecture, because then you wish to get a more learning environment. Ad gurey nameh speaks of the wisdom of primal force, cycles of time and the true wisdom, great beyond the mind to grasp.



Mata Mandir gave us a run-through Mool mantra, which was great. But the Mool mantra is always a great subject to include if you have something good to teach on it. Maybe I'll do a separate post on it later, if you are interested.

Suni-ai

suni-ai sat santokh gi-aan.
Listening - truth, contentment and spiritual wisdom.
suni-ai athsath kaa isnaan.
Listening - bathe at the sixty-eight holy places.
suni-ai parh parh paavahi maan.
Listening - reading and reciting, honor is obtained.
suni-ai laagai sahj Dhi-aan.
Listening – one attains sure dedication.
naanak bhagtaa sadaa vigaas.
O Nanak, the devotees are forever in bliss.
suni-ai dookh paap kaa naas. 10
Listening-pain and sin are erased. 10

Mata Mandir also taught us about about the 10th pauri of Japji, I don't know if any one else cared at all but I was in bliss, to be taught on this subject... I didn't think of it then but it must have been a splinter of what it feels like being in the sadh sangat, hearing the words of the guru.

This pauri of Suni-ai contains the wisdom that if you listen deep with in patience and contentment you can gain wisdom without doing all the old rituals of the other religions. When you listen deep the wisdom comes easy. Devotion will always bloom and when you listen deep all your pain, suffering and bad patterns are erased.

What you choose to vibrate is what you become.

Mata Mandir Singh Khalsa, Gothenburg 20110312

According to Mata Mandir it is important to listen and chant the mantra at the same time. That is the power of mantras. To chant it at the same time as you listen to it. Even though there are a lot of technique behind chanting a mantra correctly Mata Mandir says that the love behind the chanting is more important than the exact technique. The devotion is important and the listening is very important.

When Mata Mandir was finishing the lectures of the weekend, in the last half hour he talked about spiritual names. He told us it was a great way to learn more gurmukhi words and the meaning of them, to connect the words to person and so on. He told us the meaning of his name(Mata = mother, Mandir = temple) and our head teachers name that means great truth. He asked if anyone else had a spiritual name and I felt my blood starting to run fast as a high-speed-train in my veins. I put up my hand, not very high I might ad, and Mata Mandir gave the question to someone else. She did not have a spiritual name and asked a question about something else. I thought that the moment was over, and I didn't even know way this was important to me. It just was I guess. But Mata Mandir answered the woman's question and then look at me and asked me what my spiritual name was. Har Anand, I answered. And then he asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of my name, no one answered so he explained it and then he said it was a good name, and that all spiritual names are good names. After class an other student approached me and told me that my name was beautiful.

Anger

This 40 day sadhana is making me angry. I think you can see smoke coming from my ears sometimes, at least at work but also at home. But I will continue doing the Burn Inner Anger/Guru Ram Das meditation, it will be interesting to see if this anger thing in me is a phase or what it is... Maybe I just am a little bit more angry right now.

I am longing for next Teacher's training next weekend, the theme is Mantra and Mata Mandir Singh is going to visit us and I so hope he will bring his guitar and let us sing with him. I hold a wish that he will sing his beautiful version of Japji but I get the feeling that will not happen as our head teacher is trying to keep the sikhi elements out of our yoga as much as possible. It is still Kundalini yoga as taught by Yogi Bhajan, but for example no one wears turban in class (or out of class) not even our head teachers. But this time around, I will cover my head for morning sadhana on the Sunday.

Love and light as always,

Physical pain

Yesterday evening I fell, from the middle of the stairs and a few steps down. I mostly OK but my right foot hit the banister splints. It hurt, and still hurts. I cried like a baby, of fear of what could have happened. I got scared. Yesterday and today my lovely husband has given me lot of attention.

Here is a wonderful video with Guruka Singh talking about judgement of other, he is so wise and I get really inspired by him. I have stumble upon quite a lot of video clips where he talks about different topics, I know where to find them if I wanted to see them but they have come to me with me seeking them so I guess I needed them.


If you can't see God in all, you can't see God at all! as Guruka says in this video, I think it comes from Yogi Bhajan.

Guruka also says you are a sikh is you belong to the guru... if he has touched your forehead.

Love & Light,

Still smiling

Still smiling, happy, happy! Feeling the love for all listening to Sada Sat Kaur's Sat Siri.

Todays cyber-hukam is simple and clear:

You are the Great Giver; I am Your slave.

Be the light to day, give a smile to the world!

I give myself a gift, the gift of faith

It's been a year now, since I started to write this blog. It has been a savior accually. Wonderful, amazing, comforting, humbling and  most of all loving.

This was supposed to be a gratitude blog and even though I don't always write on the topic, I hope that the general message of this blog is that we have all a reason to be grateful and I am, always.

One year ago I was so stressed out and unhappy. I felt trapped in life, even though I had it all, so many things going for me. Happily married, nice job, new house... I still have all this but also something more... I had just found kirtan and started feeling curious about the sikh faith. So much lovely kirtan just around the next bend...

I had never tried kundalini yoga, can you believe it? I hardly can't, what a journey this last year have been. How far I have come and how much more that lies ahead to explore. Amazing!

And sikhi...I love it, I have pondered so much and some many times; when are you a sikh? This week, on monday when I started to write on the outlines of this post, it hit me: I think I am one, I am sikh. My eyes teared up as I was smiling, and it is the same now, as I write these words. I find myself smiling most of the times now, that is the big difference. I am so grateful, I have all that had one year ago and this, I feel surrounded by the love from the universe. I am not one to jump into something on a whim, but this is different, this has always been heartfelt from the first lines of gurbani I read. My first hukam, I took it in May 2010,said:

ik oa(n)kaar sath naam karathaa purakh nirabho niravair akaal moorath ajoonee saibha(n) gur prasaadh

One Universal Creator God. Truth Is The Name. Creative Being Personified. No Fear. No Hatred. Image Of The Undying. Beyond Birth. Self-Existent. By Guru's Grace

Is this beautiful or what? How amazing is it that my first hukam was this? I am in love...

But don't be fooled, I don't wear a turban (ok, sometimes at home), I don't leave all my hairs alone (but a lot of it is as it was created though, I have thought a lot of the concept of kesh), I don't own a wooden comb, I don't have kachera or a kirpan. But I do have a kara and I wear it every day and I have done since it became mine in December. But I am, as I'm sure you understand, not a baptised sikh. I am a newbie-sikh! I am so proud, happy and just amazed of it all. And grateful,so grateful I don't know where to start...

Maybe it is hard to understand, and not a big deal for anyone but me, but for me this is huge. I feel like this is a big birthday gift, I give myself the gift of having faith, of being a sikh.

I so hope no one takes offence of this post, if I got something wrong.

Love and life,

Ek ong kaar sat nam

Floating on divine love, being in peace.

Japji - Mata Mandir Singh


A most fitting hukam today:

The True Guru, the Giver, grants liberation; all diseases are eradicated, and one is blessed with the Ambrosial Nectar.

Love and be loved,

Ego bashing

This is a little story of Ahankar and Nimrata. Some week ago at work my ego kicked in hard. I never think I have been so aware of this before as I was now, must be all the yoga and meditation. I let the ego take over even though I knew deep down that this wasn't going to turn out good. It is amazing that you still let it happen, when you feel it isn't right. But maybe this is just me thinking back, maybe I wasn't this aware after all.

Me and a colleague are in charge of a organization wide process involving about 50 managers in the organization. We often send updates and information from my colleagues email, with a message from both of us. I felt I was getting worried that it would go pass the organization, the leaders and managers, that I was involved with this, one of my main responsibilities at work. So my ego kicked in and I was sly, and suggested that we would sit in my office to send out the next information on the project.

This did not go well at all, even though we checked the email over and over before sending it, we managed to attach the wrong files, and the files were also using an old document temple so some receivers weren't even able to open them. And all of this just because I wanted to look good, professional and hard working. Now I looked like a fool and that was well deserved, a humbling experience I must say. It felt awful when I realized what had happened, but at the same time I smiled at myself, there is always a lesson when you go wrong. And this one was taught and received with absolute clarity.

What I learned from this is; work hard and take pride a work well done but don't try to promote yourself. The Guru will take care of you, see to it that your have what you need.

This makes me think of MrSikhNet's post Patience Pays. I am sure I linked to it before, but the video clip or the audio (which you can download and play when ever you want, for free! I listened to it a whole lot in the fall, traveling to work. Thank you!) is wonderful. Listen to it, dwell in God and befriend your soul!

Have a lovely day, here the sun is bright shining like it's spring already and melting away the snow! Lovely, lovely, lovely!

Love & light (and don't forget the dwelling and befriending of the soul!),

Peaceful

I feel the bliss in gratitude right now. Even though life is quite hectic right now, I feel peaceful and grateful for right about everything in my life. I read the daily hukam sent out from sikhnet.com, wear my kara and I do my mediations every day. I spend more time with my husband, I become happy every time I see my cats, my work gives me plenty opportunities to further my career, I have nice colleagues, I start with some regular physical training and it feels great, but peaceful. I feel like smiling, in fact I am right now.

I know my spiritual practice is the reason for me feeling so grounded, so peaceful. I love the feeling of my kara on my wrist, always reminding me that I am part of something bigger. That we all are part of something bigger.

I had some ideas about participating in Spirit Voyage new 40 day global sadhana, Kirtan Kriya, but I will not. I will just be enjoying the peace of this moment in time.

Sat nam,

A new year

... filled with happiness and beauty for all of us.

Yesterday Saranpreet helped me to work with EFT, thank you sweetheart. A lot of things came up to the surface but the most important thing I learned was that I need to work with allowing myself a lot of thing. Allowing myself to be healthy, to have fun and most of all being myself. Not only to myself but also in front of others.

In 2011 I wish to
... allow myself to become more healthy
... learn 6 pauris of Japji
... continue with daily yoga and meditation
... allow myself to be the true me in more situations
... spend more time with my husband then I did 2010

Happy new year, everyone! And thanks for all beautiful comments during this year, you have been a support!

Love & Light,

Mukanday

Listen and sing: Gobinday Mukunday Udaaray Apaaray Hariang Kariang Nirnamay Akamay

Sustainer, Liberator, Enlightener, Infinite, Destroyer, Creator, Nameless, Desireless

Let your soul fly, let heart be filled with light and let love flow around you!

Contemplate: Liberation!

Been up at 4.30 am two days in row doing my yoga and meditation, I am filled with love. The day is so much better after morning meditation.

Feeling soft and happy

Sunday was a day of feeling soft, happy, calm and smiling. The first day in long time when I have been totally free to just be. I did some reading, played my keyboard and sung mantras, did laundry, ordered photos for my wedding (one and a half years ago, too long). I also managed to get out and walk in the snow and sun was shining like the best winter day you could imagine. Beautiful!

I have been wearing my kara for some days now. It's a nice reminder of the creative force of this universe, and I feel happy when I see it och feel it against my wrist. I'm trying the figure out if this is maya in some way. I'll get back to you on this I think, please share thoughts on this if you have any.

I also ordered Ravi Kaur's Bhangra dvd, what a fun way to get a workout. I am not good at it but I have fun and Ravi explains the moves very well. I looking forward to getting healthier and more fit. I am learning to bhangra, step by step. I placed my order of the dvd, the kara and some mantra cd's at satnam.de webshop and they were very nice serviceminded to all my questions and delivered the stuff I ordered really fast I think.

I am also doing this beautiful celestial communication by Gurudas Kaur that I was thought this last teacher's training.



It is amazing, I love the singing and rhythm and the beautiful mantra Pavan Guru. Have you tried it? Did you like it? I feel calm, strengthened and happy when I have done this meditation.


Love & light,

P.S. Where I live the snow glistens! I hope you see natures beauty too, where ever you are... :-)

Gratitude deluxe

I am joining Saranpreet in 120 day of gratitude. Fifty things to be grateful for every day. Piece of cake, or what do you think? I won't tire you with my 50 things every day but today I will share 50 of the things I am grateful for day 1, 29th October:

1.My husband, everything! From his toes to his head and all his personality and soul
2.My family
3.All my lovely friends from near and far
4.Our funny cats
5.Our house
6.My hair
7.Cookies in my cupboard
8.The fire that keeps my house warm and cosy
9.My meditation pillow (my knees would not function without it)
10.My knees
11.That I am able to see so much lovely colours
12.Music
13.My voice, that I am able to chant and sing
14.Yogi Bhajan for bringing Kundalini yoga to the west
15.Mantras
16.Spirit Voyage for the lovely Mantrapedia (where would I be without it?)
17.Every single comment anyone has ever posted on my blog, it is amazing what you give to me
18.All the blogs I read and learn from, there is always something new to be learned
19.To my first Kundalini yoga teacher who thought me for free and in so doing, helped me discover this path I trying to walk
20.All the meetings with such nice people that I always meet
21.My belief
22.Me being able to play the guitar (a bit, a itty bit...)
23.The ability to dare to try new things
24.Vegan food
25.That there is three vegan restaurants that I like just 1 hour away
26.My work
27.My collegues
28.Challenges that make it possible for me to work on patience
29.Sikhnet
30.Gurbani Media Center (I use it every day!)
31.Yarn for knitting
32.My teacher training buddies that push me when I am lazy and support me when it's hard
33.Our car, it makes it possible for me be where I have to be or want to be...
34.My bed
35.My beautiful bedroom
36.This laptop
37.The internet (how was life before? How would I ever have known anything about sikhi or KY without it?)
38.All interesting books I have read
39.All paintings I have seen
40.All paintings I have done
41.All talented people I have come in contact with
42.All the trees
43.All people that has answered my silly and stupid questions about sikhi
44.That I am brave enough to ask my silly and stupid questions
45.Youtube
46.People who post seqences of Kundalini yoga events and sikh lifestyle on Youtube
47.Hukams, I am grateful for every hukam I have got
48.My spiritual name
49.The things I get to experience in my life
50.I am grateful for me, all of me, good and bad...

One who is blessed with the medicine of the GurMantra, the Name of the Lord, O servant Nanak, does not suffer the agonies of reincarnation.

I find peace in the thought that I will let my true self come forth one day.